John came home for a couple of weeks of leave earlier this month. As wonderful as it was to connect, it reset the emotional clock of this deployment. We were just beginning to get the hang of this. We were in a good routine, feeling pretty adjusted and stable. Time was ticking away. And then we had this glorious reunion (that I promised myself I would hold loosely, so as not to be devastated when he left), and now the days are dragging by again. I cannot believe we have another 81 days of this.

I hate to sound like I’m complaining about his time off and our time together as a family. Please don’t misunderstand me. It was wonderful! But it also showed me just how little control I have over my emotions in this journey. 

A few days before he left to go back to the ship, I noticed I was feeling really agitated, experiencing all sorts of strange emotions. My anxiety was through the roof, and I couldn’t pinpoint why. The calendar told me it wasn’t PMS. Then I realized what else the calendar was telling me — that we only had a few more days together.

Without me even knowing it, his looming departure was triggering some kind of subconscious response in me. Consciously, I wasn’t worked up about separating again at all. We had made it to the halfway point. We were doing fine. But something deep inside me was protesting. It was as if my body was saying, “I know what’s coming, and I do not want to do this again!”

Peace is a slippery thing to hold on to when it comes to saying goodbye. It’s so hard to know how to make the most of the time that’s winding down, when you know what’s coming. On the other hand, goodbyes we don’t have time to prepare for can be even harder. Goodbyes are just no fun!

So, here we are at day 107. But it feels more like day 7 all over again! Today, as I washed and folded laundry, I came across the last of John’s clothes left in the hamper and remembered doing the same thing three months ago. When I scooped half the amount of coffee as usual into our French press last Tuesday, I remembered doing the same thing when he first left. Back to repeating these milestones. Back to the beginning, to work our way toward equilibrium once again. I hope it won’t take me quite so long to find my stride this time.